So right now, I'm sitting in a hospital bed, pitocin dripping into my veins. I'm comfortable. And so very excited.
I keep looking down toward my belly. Ethan must also be excited, because his movement is causing my gown to ripple and move. His heartbeat is a steady sound in the background, along with ESPN on television. Already Chris is immersing our baby boy in football!
The sun is shining through the blinds, and a ray of light has fallen on the baby bed Ethan will soon rest in. I keep looking over, imagining him there. Not much longer, but the anticipation is killing me!
All the struggles to have another baby are about to pay off. God provides His light in every difficult situation. So now we wait to meet our son. We wait for this next wonderful change to our lives. And we thank God, again, for answering our prayers.
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Another Miracle
Do you remember this photo from many months ago? One of these precious embryos has grown into the beautiful little boy you see above. My heart still swells with this miracle every single time I think about it. A very big blessing from God in a very tiny package...
I can't wait to see his face. Will he look like Evie? She was such a miniature version of Chris when she was born. Will this little one look more like me? And what will his personality be like? Will he be laid-back, the opposite of his big sister?
With less than nine weeks until my due date, we have a lot to do. The new "nursery" is still our guest bedroom/junk room. The carpet guys are coming to measure this Saturday, then we need to paint, decorate, and put up the crib. We'll have to replace some of our "pink" baby essentials. We have to stock up on diapers. We need to take a trip to Babies 'R Us to remember all the "must haves" for infants. We have to buy a crib mattress. I should look up refresher information in the books about labor and delivery and breastfeeding.
But most of the time, I'm dreaming. Dreaming about what it will be like to have a new baby in the house again. Dreaming about his soft skin and the smell of his hair. Dreaming about watching my first miracle baby grow into a big sister. About chubby little thighs and half-sleeping cuddles while nursing him in the middle of the night. About singing lullabies and dressing him in BOY CLOTHES and watching him sleep in my arms.
Don't wake me...
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Tomorrow
I just received this email from my cousin, Heather:
I was just saying a prayer for you and an image of a little boy chasing Evie out of your kitchen and into your living room (both giggling) ran through my mind. :o). Just wanted to let you know some good thoughts and prayers are for you.
We're excited and anxious to see what the day holds tomorrow. I hope Heather is right!
Thanks to you all for your prayers and support through this whole thing. I'll keep you posted!
I was just saying a prayer for you and an image of a little boy chasing Evie out of your kitchen and into your living room (both giggling) ran through my mind. :o). Just wanted to let you know some good thoughts and prayers are for you.
We're excited and anxious to see what the day holds tomorrow. I hope Heather is right!
Thanks to you all for your prayers and support through this whole thing. I'll keep you posted!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Almost Wordless Wednesday - The Embryos
I'm finally finished with bed rest, so I'm able to post!
Sunday, we still had seven strong and growing embryos. Since there were so many, our doctors waited until Tuesday to see which ones looked the best. Yesterday they transferred the two beautiful embryos you see above. We didn't end up having any embryos left to freeze, so we trust God has given us exactly what we need in these two.
I've been on bed rest since the transfer, and Chris and my mom have just been wonderful. I'm so blessed to have them, along with the rest of our family and friends.
So now I take it easy and we wait. We'll know next Wednesday if I'm pregnant, so please keep us in your prayers!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Be Careful What You Wish
Yesterday was my egg retrieval and it went really well. Dr. Witten said a few follicles must have been hiding during the ultrasound, because he retrieved eleven eggs. And then we received a call today that eight of those eggs had fertilized! We made embryos - lots of them!
So I am a little freaked out. But freaked out in a good way.
I had resigned myself that (if it worked at all) this would be the last time I'd be pregnant. I know all eight embryos won't continue to grow. Last time, five eggs fertilized and only three were still alive for our embryo transfer. Depending on the quality of embryos we have Sunday, our doctors will transfer two or three. However, if we have more than that, we could end up with extra embryos to freeze and use later.
This is a great scenario because if I don't become pregnant from this cycle, we would have frozen embryos to use. That procedure is much more simple and less expensive.
But what if I do have a baby (or two!) from this cycle? I think it would be a miracle to have more kids. It just wasn't something I saw in my future. So now I am adjusting the picture I have in my head.
It may be that nothing comes out of this. We may end up with the single baby I had planned. It is great to open myself up to God's awesome and impossible design again, though. Just when I think I have it all figured out, here comes the most wonderful curve ball...
So I am a little freaked out. But freaked out in a good way.
I had resigned myself that (if it worked at all) this would be the last time I'd be pregnant. I know all eight embryos won't continue to grow. Last time, five eggs fertilized and only three were still alive for our embryo transfer. Depending on the quality of embryos we have Sunday, our doctors will transfer two or three. However, if we have more than that, we could end up with extra embryos to freeze and use later.
This is a great scenario because if I don't become pregnant from this cycle, we would have frozen embryos to use. That procedure is much more simple and less expensive.
But what if I do have a baby (or two!) from this cycle? I think it would be a miracle to have more kids. It just wasn't something I saw in my future. So now I am adjusting the picture I have in my head.
It may be that nothing comes out of this. We may end up with the single baby I had planned. It is great to open myself up to God's awesome and impossible design again, though. Just when I think I have it all figured out, here comes the most wonderful curve ball...
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
CrockPot Fried Rice
I am so tired.
My mind and my body are drained from the emotional and physical toll IVF takes. Even though I'm exhausted, I can't sleep well because my mind won't quit and my swollen ovaries make it hard to get comfortable. This is almost over; my egg retrieval is scheduled for 10:30 am on Thursday. Hopefully I'll just be complaining of morning sickness soon...
I've also been fortunate enough to be chasing a two-year-old around the park. Around and around and around. And following her up and down the block on her scooter. Up and down and up and down and up and down.
I am so tired.
I don't have much energy (or care for that matter) to prepare dinner. Last night I just made one of those pre-marinated pork loins. Tonight I used the leftovers to make fried rice in the CrockPot. As much as "fried rice" and "CrockPot" don't seem to go together, let me assure you they do - and well. Evie, as uber-picky as they come, had seconds. 'Nuff said.
CrockPot Fried Rice
2 c leftover brown rice
3 Tbsp butter
2 Tbsp soy sauce
2 tsp Worcestershire sauce
1 c diced onion
1 c frozen or fresh vegetables
leftover meat, cut into bite-sized pieces
1 egg
Throw everything into the CrockPot and mix it gently. Cook on high for 2-3 hours or on low for 3-4 hours.
Enjoy!
I should mention this is a fabulous and easy recipe from A Year of CrockPotting. If you've never visited this blog, you are missing out! Lisa hosts Tempt My Tummy Tuesdays over at Blessed with Grace. Visit her for more yummy recipes!
My mind and my body are drained from the emotional and physical toll IVF takes. Even though I'm exhausted, I can't sleep well because my mind won't quit and my swollen ovaries make it hard to get comfortable. This is almost over; my egg retrieval is scheduled for 10:30 am on Thursday. Hopefully I'll just be complaining of morning sickness soon...
I've also been fortunate enough to be chasing a two-year-old around the park. Around and around and around. And following her up and down the block on her scooter. Up and down and up and down and up and down.
I am so tired.
I don't have much energy (or care for that matter) to prepare dinner. Last night I just made one of those pre-marinated pork loins. Tonight I used the leftovers to make fried rice in the CrockPot. As much as "fried rice" and "CrockPot" don't seem to go together, let me assure you they do - and well. Evie, as uber-picky as they come, had seconds. 'Nuff said.
CrockPot Fried Rice
2 c leftover brown rice
3 Tbsp butter
2 Tbsp soy sauce
2 tsp Worcestershire sauce
1 c diced onion
1 c frozen or fresh vegetables
leftover meat, cut into bite-sized pieces
1 egg
Throw everything into the CrockPot and mix it gently. Cook on high for 2-3 hours or on low for 3-4 hours.
Enjoy!
I should mention this is a fabulous and easy recipe from A Year of CrockPotting. If you've never visited this blog, you are missing out! Lisa hosts Tempt My Tummy Tuesdays over at Blessed with Grace. Visit her for more yummy recipes!
Monday, February 9, 2009
Eight is Enough
My next baby will be conceived this Thursday.
As I was driving home from my doctor's visit today, I had that thought. My ultrasound went well - I have eight "good" eggs. My doctors will retrieve them Thursday. Then we'll say lots of prayers and hope they fertilize and grow!
Can this really happen? Can I really be blessed twice? As I was carrying my sleeping miracle baby to her bed tonight, I thought this just might work out. I just might be able to carry another baby. Please God, let me have another baby.
I feel good. I feel hopeful. And Heather pointed out that my embryo transfer will be this weekend - Valentine's Day. A day that is a symbol of love. That's just what I'm hoping for.
As I was driving home from my doctor's visit today, I had that thought. My ultrasound went well - I have eight "good" eggs. My doctors will retrieve them Thursday. Then we'll say lots of prayers and hope they fertilize and grow!
Can this really happen? Can I really be blessed twice? As I was carrying my sleeping miracle baby to her bed tonight, I thought this just might work out. I just might be able to carry another baby. Please God, let me have another baby.
I feel good. I feel hopeful. And Heather pointed out that my embryo transfer will be this weekend - Valentine's Day. A day that is a symbol of love. That's just what I'm hoping for.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Pavlov's Dog
I started my Follistim injections on Monday. I used to have a terrible fear of needles, but that's one phobia I've conquered. They're really not bad, and Chris bought me a big bag of Jelly Bellys to have as a reward each night after my shots. Mmm, mmm, mmm!
Evie's asleep in the morning when I get my shots, but she's awake for my nighttime shot. Because I don't want her to be afraid of needles, I allow Evie to watch as Chris gives me the "medicine in my arm." She sees that it's quick and easy, although she sometimes says "Don't worry, Mommy." I always smile down at her and tell her I'm not worried at all.
My plan is working a little too well, though. Last night, I said "It's time for Daddy to give me the medicine in my arm." Evie's little face lit up and she yelled "Oh, jelly beans!"
She has to get two shots at her next doctor's visit. I'll be sure to pack jelly beans.
Evie's asleep in the morning when I get my shots, but she's awake for my nighttime shot. Because I don't want her to be afraid of needles, I allow Evie to watch as Chris gives me the "medicine in my arm." She sees that it's quick and easy, although she sometimes says "Don't worry, Mommy." I always smile down at her and tell her I'm not worried at all.
My plan is working a little too well, though. Last night, I said "It's time for Daddy to give me the medicine in my arm." Evie's little face lit up and she yelled "Oh, jelly beans!"
She has to get two shots at her next doctor's visit. I'll be sure to pack jelly beans.
Friday, January 30, 2009
The Best Bloggy Friends Ever
When I started blogging, I just wanted a record of my days with Evie. Chris' mom kept journals throughout her life, and it was so special to read them after she passed away.
But blogging has become so much more for me, and it's because of all of you. You've lifted my spirits, encouraged me, and sang my praises when I needed it most. You've made me a better friend and a better mother and a better writer. I've gained lots of wisdom and the courage to completely be myself. I've been so fortunate to stumble upon this community.
Before my doctor appointment today, I read your words and prayers. Thank you.
The procedure went well. It hurt a lot more than I expected, but I feel fine now. Everything is still on track in IVF-Land. I'm tired and emotionally spent, so I'm signing off tonight.
One thing before I go - tomorrow I plan to record Evie's first-ever interview and post it on my blog. What would you like me to ask her? I hope you help me come up with some fun questions!
But blogging has become so much more for me, and it's because of all of you. You've lifted my spirits, encouraged me, and sang my praises when I needed it most. You've made me a better friend and a better mother and a better writer. I've gained lots of wisdom and the courage to completely be myself. I've been so fortunate to stumble upon this community.
Before my doctor appointment today, I read your words and prayers. Thank you.
The procedure went well. It hurt a lot more than I expected, but I feel fine now. Everything is still on track in IVF-Land. I'm tired and emotionally spent, so I'm signing off tonight.
One thing before I go - tomorrow I plan to record Evie's first-ever interview and post it on my blog. What would you like me to ask her? I hope you help me come up with some fun questions!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I've Hit a Snag
Yesterday I had a routine ultrasound. You know, just to make sure things look okay so far.
They don't.
My doctor discovered a cyst on one of my ovaries. Normally, this isn't an issue. They're very common and usually disappear on their own. But in my case, this cyst could rob from the valuable blood supply to my egg follicles. And I'm going to need every one of those eggs in a couple weeks.
So tomorrow I have a procedure scheduled to remove the cyst. At first I was upset. I mean, really, another thing to do here? As if I don't have enough to go through already?
However, tonight I feel fine. Actually, I feel lucky. Even though this is just one more "unfair" thing about my infertility, my IVF cycle is not canceled. We're plowing ahead. I can do this! And what's more, I even feel a little hope that I might just get a baby out of this whole thing.
I told you I was a strong woman. Right now, I even believe it myself.
They don't.
My doctor discovered a cyst on one of my ovaries. Normally, this isn't an issue. They're very common and usually disappear on their own. But in my case, this cyst could rob from the valuable blood supply to my egg follicles. And I'm going to need every one of those eggs in a couple weeks.
So tomorrow I have a procedure scheduled to remove the cyst. At first I was upset. I mean, really, another thing to do here? As if I don't have enough to go through already?
However, tonight I feel fine. Actually, I feel lucky. Even though this is just one more "unfair" thing about my infertility, my IVF cycle is not canceled. We're plowing ahead. I can do this! And what's more, I even feel a little hope that I might just get a baby out of this whole thing.
I told you I was a strong woman. Right now, I even believe it myself.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
You'll Just Feel a Little Stick
I started my Lupron shots a few days ago. I wake up early, before Chris heads off to work, and he gives me the injection. He really should be a doctor, because I hardly feel a thing. Just a little sting followed by a little itching. Then I get a kiss from my dear husband, pop a steroid (really!) and a prenatal vitamin, and back to bed I go.
The best thing is that I get to snuggle up to Evie. During our first cycle, Chris gave me the shot and I headed off to work. But now, I slide into bed next to my darling girl. Her sweet face soothes my anxiety. One morning, she must have felt me come back to bed and she slid ever-so-close. Still sleeping, she tucked her head under my chin and curled into me. I fell into such a deep slumber after that.
Even though this cycle is much easier than the previous cycle, it's still so very hard. Mostly, I don't think I'll end up pregnant. I felt this way last time, and I was miraculously surprised when I ended up with Evie. Surprised, and grateful to God.
But I just don't know how we can be blessed again this second time. So I wake up a lot in the middle of the night, and I can't fall back asleep. I pray to God, plead, that He answers my heart's desire. Sometimes I know He is listening, and I beg for Him to bend to my wishes. For Him to give me another baby. I have to admit, there are nights when I'm not even sure He can hear me, though.
I'm crying as I write this. This is the hard part. Not the needles or the medicine chart or the endless blood draws and ultrasounds. It's the not knowing. It's the wanting something so badly, and not knowing if it will be yours. Most people don't have this struggle - they just have babies.
Someone once told me IVF was wrong in God's eyes because children deserve to be conceived in an act of love. I was startled. This process is as much an act of love as any intimate act with my husband. Although neither of us was even in the room when Evie was conceived, she was loved and wanted and prayed for.
And so that's what I'm doing again. Wanting and loving and praying for another miracle baby. I know God will give me what I need. I know there is a plan. Now it's simply a waiting game. I just hope it's a game I win.
The best thing is that I get to snuggle up to Evie. During our first cycle, Chris gave me the shot and I headed off to work. But now, I slide into bed next to my darling girl. Her sweet face soothes my anxiety. One morning, she must have felt me come back to bed and she slid ever-so-close. Still sleeping, she tucked her head under my chin and curled into me. I fell into such a deep slumber after that.
Even though this cycle is much easier than the previous cycle, it's still so very hard. Mostly, I don't think I'll end up pregnant. I felt this way last time, and I was miraculously surprised when I ended up with Evie. Surprised, and grateful to God.
But I just don't know how we can be blessed again this second time. So I wake up a lot in the middle of the night, and I can't fall back asleep. I pray to God, plead, that He answers my heart's desire. Sometimes I know He is listening, and I beg for Him to bend to my wishes. For Him to give me another baby. I have to admit, there are nights when I'm not even sure He can hear me, though.
I'm crying as I write this. This is the hard part. Not the needles or the medicine chart or the endless blood draws and ultrasounds. It's the not knowing. It's the wanting something so badly, and not knowing if it will be yours. Most people don't have this struggle - they just have babies.
Someone once told me IVF was wrong in God's eyes because children deserve to be conceived in an act of love. I was startled. This process is as much an act of love as any intimate act with my husband. Although neither of us was even in the room when Evie was conceived, she was loved and wanted and prayed for.
And so that's what I'm doing again. Wanting and loving and praying for another miracle baby. I know God will give me what I need. I know there is a plan. Now it's simply a waiting game. I just hope it's a game I win.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Sunshine
I haven't been myself lately. Post-holiday blues and pre-IVF jitters do not make for a happy Sarah. It's not that I don't find joy each day - because I certainly do - but I've just felt "off." Less peppy and kind of dull.
But Friday dawned as a beautiful day here in St. Louis. It was bright and sunny, and best of all it was going to be over 50 degrees. Perfect park weather.
Rachel and I packed up Evie, a tricycle, a wagon, two blankets, and a picnic lunch. We met up with my mom and the kids and headed to the park. We had so much fun! Evie loves the swings, so we spent a lot of time there at first. She is such a brave girl! I pushed her as high as my heart could take, and still she begged "More push! More swinging!" I finally coaxed her from the swings by promising to go on a walk. We all strolled around the park's historic 1800's village, peeking in windows and laying claim to different homes. After our walk we sat down to a picnic, and then made our way back to the playground for "Slide! More sliding!"
I don't know if it was the sunshine or the company, but I felt lighter. The sun warmed my face. Seeing the kids play warmed my heart. Talking with my sister and my mom warmed my soul. My "I'm blessed" feeling came back - the feeling that I am so blessed to live this life. What's not to love, right? Sitting in the sun eating pita sandwiches and blackberries and chips. With my best girls. On a Friday afternoon in January. Blessed for sure.
And the feeling has lasted. I still have this big challenge in front of me. After all the work, will I be pregnant? Will I be okay if I'm not? I have realized (again) that I have enough, no matter what happens. Sure, I want more children. But Evie really, truly is enough. She is a miracle and her sweet face and happy spirit are plenty for me. My strong, kind, loving husband is enough. My mom and dad and sisters and brother are enough. My friends (in the bloggy world and beyond) are enough. My God, always here with me when times are hard, is enough.
Friday, I felt the sun in my soul. Mr. Weatherman, it was just what the doctor ordered.
But Friday dawned as a beautiful day here in St. Louis. It was bright and sunny, and best of all it was going to be over 50 degrees. Perfect park weather.
Rachel and I packed up Evie, a tricycle, a wagon, two blankets, and a picnic lunch. We met up with my mom and the kids and headed to the park. We had so much fun! Evie loves the swings, so we spent a lot of time there at first. She is such a brave girl! I pushed her as high as my heart could take, and still she begged "More push! More swinging!" I finally coaxed her from the swings by promising to go on a walk. We all strolled around the park's historic 1800's village, peeking in windows and laying claim to different homes. After our walk we sat down to a picnic, and then made our way back to the playground for "Slide! More sliding!"
I don't know if it was the sunshine or the company, but I felt lighter. The sun warmed my face. Seeing the kids play warmed my heart. Talking with my sister and my mom warmed my soul. My "I'm blessed" feeling came back - the feeling that I am so blessed to live this life. What's not to love, right? Sitting in the sun eating pita sandwiches and blackberries and chips. With my best girls. On a Friday afternoon in January. Blessed for sure.
And the feeling has lasted. I still have this big challenge in front of me. After all the work, will I be pregnant? Will I be okay if I'm not? I have realized (again) that I have enough, no matter what happens. Sure, I want more children. But Evie really, truly is enough. She is a miracle and her sweet face and happy spirit are plenty for me. My strong, kind, loving husband is enough. My mom and dad and sisters and brother are enough. My friends (in the bloggy world and beyond) are enough. My God, always here with me when times are hard, is enough.
Friday, I felt the sun in my soul. Mr. Weatherman, it was just what the doctor ordered.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
For Better or for Worse
When Chris and I married, we promised "To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse..." The "better" part is easy. But my beautiful husband excels during the "worse" times.
Like today.
I have such mixed feelings about IVF. I love it because it gave us Evie. I hate it because it's stressful and painful and humiliating. The main reason I've been putting off another cycle is the anxiety about having a hysteroscopy. When I had this test before, I was completely unprepared for how painful, and frankly how just plain gross, the procedure is. It was certainly the worst part of my entire IVF experience.
But so worth it for another baby. We met with Dr. Witten again a few days before Christmas. It was actually a nice visit. Dr. Witten is so very compassionate and understanding, and it was fun to see him interact with Evie. Plus, he said that my pregnancy had been without complication, so we probably wouldn't even have to do the hysteroscopy. Yippe!
Imagine what a letdown it was when a nurse called while we were in Atlanta and scheduled the damn test. I cried, of course, and Chris hugged me tight. Dr. Witten ordered anesthesia, so I would be asleep this time, but I was still sick about the whole thing. My first instinct is to sleep during stressful times, so I've been tired and emotional for the past week. But Chris didn't tire of me talking about how nervous I was. He listened patiently and gently encouraged me things would be okay. He joked with me. He reminded me of the payoff - hope for another perfect miracle baby.
The test was today, and I was on the verge of tears the entire morning. I knew at any moment I was going to lose it - I blinked back tears and tried to keep my voice from catching. And I was mean to Chris. Everthing he said was irritating. He never snapped back at me, not a single time.
We dropped Evie off with GaGa (who I was also mean to - sorry Mom,) and fought our way through terrible traffic to the doctor's office. Once I was there, I calmed down considerably. A nurse took me to change into a lovely and oh-so-modest gown and to start my IV. And then they sent Chris in to be with me. He was the sweetest sight.
Dr. Witten broke the rules and invited Chris in for the procedure. Although I fell asleep immediately, it helped to have my husband there. I love him so much for staying in the room, even though he was in the way and I'm sure he didn't want to see the whole thing.
And then I woke up. Chris was waiting by the bed, and laughed when I repeated the same questions because I was disoriented from the anesthesia. He's been so caring and gentle with me all day, getting me warm coffee and looking after Evie.
Chris' unconditional love is the greatest blessing in my life.
So now I'm through the very worst physical part. For those of you who want more information, here's a brief schedule:
> Jan 21st - start injections to make my body produce a lot of eggs.
>Week of Feb 9th - anesthesia again, when they remove the eggs and fertilize them. The embryos will grow in a quiet place for a few days, then they'll put them into my uterus.
>First week of March - hopefully an announcement that I'm pregnant!
Like today.
I have such mixed feelings about IVF. I love it because it gave us Evie. I hate it because it's stressful and painful and humiliating. The main reason I've been putting off another cycle is the anxiety about having a hysteroscopy. When I had this test before, I was completely unprepared for how painful, and frankly how just plain gross, the procedure is. It was certainly the worst part of my entire IVF experience.
But so worth it for another baby. We met with Dr. Witten again a few days before Christmas. It was actually a nice visit. Dr. Witten is so very compassionate and understanding, and it was fun to see him interact with Evie. Plus, he said that my pregnancy had been without complication, so we probably wouldn't even have to do the hysteroscopy. Yippe!
Imagine what a letdown it was when a nurse called while we were in Atlanta and scheduled the damn test. I cried, of course, and Chris hugged me tight. Dr. Witten ordered anesthesia, so I would be asleep this time, but I was still sick about the whole thing. My first instinct is to sleep during stressful times, so I've been tired and emotional for the past week. But Chris didn't tire of me talking about how nervous I was. He listened patiently and gently encouraged me things would be okay. He joked with me. He reminded me of the payoff - hope for another perfect miracle baby.
The test was today, and I was on the verge of tears the entire morning. I knew at any moment I was going to lose it - I blinked back tears and tried to keep my voice from catching. And I was mean to Chris. Everthing he said was irritating. He never snapped back at me, not a single time.
We dropped Evie off with GaGa (who I was also mean to - sorry Mom,) and fought our way through terrible traffic to the doctor's office. Once I was there, I calmed down considerably. A nurse took me to change into a lovely and oh-so-modest gown and to start my IV. And then they sent Chris in to be with me. He was the sweetest sight.
Dr. Witten broke the rules and invited Chris in for the procedure. Although I fell asleep immediately, it helped to have my husband there. I love him so much for staying in the room, even though he was in the way and I'm sure he didn't want to see the whole thing.
And then I woke up. Chris was waiting by the bed, and laughed when I repeated the same questions because I was disoriented from the anesthesia. He's been so caring and gentle with me all day, getting me warm coffee and looking after Evie.
Chris' unconditional love is the greatest blessing in my life.
So now I'm through the very worst physical part. For those of you who want more information, here's a brief schedule:
> Jan 21st - start injections to make my body produce a lot of eggs.
>Week of Feb 9th - anesthesia again, when they remove the eggs and fertilize them. The embryos will grow in a quiet place for a few days, then they'll put them into my uterus.
>First week of March - hopefully an announcement that I'm pregnant!
Friday, January 2, 2009
My M&Ms
Oh, my bloggy friends, I have so much to tell you!
Christmas was great - Evie woke up without a fever and had a great time opening her gifts. We had a wonderful day with my family, then packed up and headed to Atlanta to spend time with Chris' family. We had a great visit, Evie played with her cousins, and we had an unexpected phone call that we made it into a February IVF cycle! More to come on all of this later...
But, I'm going to ease back into the bloggy world and tell you about the cute little candy you see.
A few weeks ago, the nice folks who make M&Ms offered to send me a few bags of My M&Ms. Basically, they allow you to make customized M&M candies. You can choose your own colors and messages and... wait for it... PICTURES to be printed on M&Ms. Since Evie's birthday is just around the corner, I jumped on this chance!
The ordering process was easy - I clicked on the colors I wanted, typed in three different messages, and uploaded a photo of Evie. I think these are going to make perfect favors for her party! You know Evie is my little Candy Girl, so imagine how excited she will be to see her own sweet face on candy! My mom saw them today, and loved them - what Grandma wouldn't?
Now I have to figure out how to package them as favors. Any ideas? We're having a tea party theme.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Mother Letter Project
A few weeks ago I told you about a sweet, sweet man and the gift he's giving his wife for Christmas.
Well, I wrote a letter to share the wisdom I have learned since becoming a mother myself. What I've learned is no newsflash, but something I've realized as I journey down this path.
Dear Mother,
It's hard to write a letter to someone I don't know. I don't know your name or what you look like. I don't know your hobbies or dreams or the things that keep you from falling asleep at night. But I do know one of the very most important things about you - you are a mother.
I am a mother, too. My journey to become a mother was a long one, but my daughter is well worth the wait. She is all the best things about me, jammed into a very tiny package.
My husband and I tried for years to conceive a child. Month after month passed and the pregnancy test was always negative. We underwent many tests, spent thousands of dollars, and tried to mend our broken hearts. And we grew closer to our God, knowing He did not make a mistake in giving us this burden.
With the help of several nurses and three doctors, I was finally pregnant! Oh, it was a glorious time. I didn't hate my pregnant body the way some women do. I truly marveled at this miracle. It's still amazing to me that I grew my daughter right in my own womb.
No matter how our children come to us, it's a miracle to be a mother. It's also a crushing responsibility. I have "Perfect Mother Syndrome," although I believe I am recovering nicely now. There have been so many things in my life that I worked hard at, trying to be the best. I had the perfect career, the perfect marriage, the perfect little house, the perfect circle of friends. This mother thing is a whole new ballgame, though. Before my daughter was born I had already read all the books. I knew What to Expect the First Year and how to have the Happiest Baby on the Block. It makes me cringe a little to remember how naive I was!
You can't raise a child by the book though. My daughter cried for the first eight weeks of her life. I cried a lot, too. What had I gotten myself into? I talked to the doctor and swaddled and shushed. Against our pediatrician's advice, I finally committed the worst mommy sin of all and put her into bed with us. I held her all day long. I followed my instincts. And do you know what happened? She stopped crying.
So this is what I've learned - and have had to re-learn over and over again - I know better than anyone else how to take care of my child. No one knows her better than I. I should always follow my instincts.
Oh, and I've also learned I am a good mother. Maybe not perfect, but certainly good enough. That's what we need to tell one another. You are a good mother.
Congratulations on the wonderful person (or persons) you are raising. You are a good mother.
Love,
Evie's Mommy
Well, I wrote a letter to share the wisdom I have learned since becoming a mother myself. What I've learned is no newsflash, but something I've realized as I journey down this path.
Dear Mother,
It's hard to write a letter to someone I don't know. I don't know your name or what you look like. I don't know your hobbies or dreams or the things that keep you from falling asleep at night. But I do know one of the very most important things about you - you are a mother.
I am a mother, too. My journey to become a mother was a long one, but my daughter is well worth the wait. She is all the best things about me, jammed into a very tiny package.
My husband and I tried for years to conceive a child. Month after month passed and the pregnancy test was always negative. We underwent many tests, spent thousands of dollars, and tried to mend our broken hearts. And we grew closer to our God, knowing He did not make a mistake in giving us this burden.
With the help of several nurses and three doctors, I was finally pregnant! Oh, it was a glorious time. I didn't hate my pregnant body the way some women do. I truly marveled at this miracle. It's still amazing to me that I grew my daughter right in my own womb.
No matter how our children come to us, it's a miracle to be a mother. It's also a crushing responsibility. I have "Perfect Mother Syndrome," although I believe I am recovering nicely now. There have been so many things in my life that I worked hard at, trying to be the best. I had the perfect career, the perfect marriage, the perfect little house, the perfect circle of friends. This mother thing is a whole new ballgame, though. Before my daughter was born I had already read all the books. I knew What to Expect the First Year and how to have the Happiest Baby on the Block. It makes me cringe a little to remember how naive I was!
You can't raise a child by the book though. My daughter cried for the first eight weeks of her life. I cried a lot, too. What had I gotten myself into? I talked to the doctor and swaddled and shushed. Against our pediatrician's advice, I finally committed the worst mommy sin of all and put her into bed with us. I held her all day long. I followed my instincts. And do you know what happened? She stopped crying.
So this is what I've learned - and have had to re-learn over and over again - I know better than anyone else how to take care of my child. No one knows her better than I. I should always follow my instincts.
Oh, and I've also learned I am a good mother. Maybe not perfect, but certainly good enough. That's what we need to tell one another. You are a good mother.
Congratulations on the wonderful person (or persons) you are raising. You are a good mother.
Love,
Evie's Mommy
Monday, October 27, 2008
Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying
Oh, I love my beautiful miracle Evie. She is everything I hoped for when I prayed to become a mom. I'm greedy, though. I want another baby. But today, my stupid "monthly visitor" showed up.
I just want to cry. And I probably will, later. I'll snuggle under the covers with Chris and tell him how sad I am and the tears will come.
I was hoping I would just "get" pregnant. Chris and I have undergone all the tests, and there's nothing wrong. Nothing except I simply don't conceive. I would complain about how frustrating "undiagnosed infertility" is, but I know there are others out there with diagnosed fertility issues that are more frustrating than my struggle.
With each month that passes, we are getting closer and closer to IVF. I HATE IVF! The tests and needles and pressure. So much money with an unsure outcome. A 50/50 chance of a baby.
I was blessed and lucky last time. Evie was born from our first and only IVF cycle. What if it doesn't work this time, though? This is it - our last shot. So very much is riding on this.
I want to feel the flutter of another baby moving in my womb. I want to rock another baby in the wee hours of the night. I want to see my Baby Evie as a big sister, and hear my children giggling together.
I'm reminding myself to name before God ALL the things I am grateful for - not just the good, but also the difficult. His hand is guiding it all. I know He has not made a mistake in giving me this situation.
But, oh, on cold nights like this, it is a terrible burden to bear.
I just want to cry. And I probably will, later. I'll snuggle under the covers with Chris and tell him how sad I am and the tears will come.
I was hoping I would just "get" pregnant. Chris and I have undergone all the tests, and there's nothing wrong. Nothing except I simply don't conceive. I would complain about how frustrating "undiagnosed infertility" is, but I know there are others out there with diagnosed fertility issues that are more frustrating than my struggle.
With each month that passes, we are getting closer and closer to IVF. I HATE IVF! The tests and needles and pressure. So much money with an unsure outcome. A 50/50 chance of a baby.
I was blessed and lucky last time. Evie was born from our first and only IVF cycle. What if it doesn't work this time, though? This is it - our last shot. So very much is riding on this.
I want to feel the flutter of another baby moving in my womb. I want to rock another baby in the wee hours of the night. I want to see my Baby Evie as a big sister, and hear my children giggling together.
I'm reminding myself to name before God ALL the things I am grateful for - not just the good, but also the difficult. His hand is guiding it all. I know He has not made a mistake in giving me this situation.
But, oh, on cold nights like this, it is a terrible burden to bear.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
The Prayer Shawl
Three years ago tomorrow, my mother-in-law, Linda Evelyn Hubmeier, passed away. Although I know she is in God's loving and eternal care, this has been the greatest tragedy in my life.
She was the most faithful woman I know. Linda relied and trusted in Jesus - she was a great Christian example to follow. She loved her family with a passion. But this post is not about the wonderful person she was, because I can't do that justice in words. This post is about a gift she gave me after her death.
When Linda's cancer returned for what would be the final time, someone she knew knitted her a prayer shawl. With each stitch, this friend prayed for Linda. Of course, I don't know what the prayer was, but I imagine it was for comfort and healing. I remember how much she loved that beautiful cranberry-colored shawl, and she always had it nearby when we visited. She said she felt such warmth and caring when she wore it. She even joined a Prayer Shawl Ministry at church, so she could provide this same comfort for others.
During this time, Chris and I were in the middle of our struggle with infertility. When Linda died, I felt such great pain. Of course, I mourned the loss of this beautiful person who I loved deeply. But I also mourned that she would never know our children. I know how much she wanted to meet them. She once told me "I'm on my knees, praying for you." And she certainly was, probably more than I realize.
Months after her death, Chris and I had been through many failed IUI attempts. Our doctor recommended we move on to other technologies, and together we decided on IVF. I have to tell you, at this point I was hopeless. I knew, without a doubt, that I would not get pregnant. I was tired and I was scared, but we plodded on.
IVF is a complicated procedure. Chris gave me injections so my body would produce a lot of eggs. Our doctors removed the eggs while I was under anesthesia, and fertilized them with Chris' sperm. After a few days, they put the embryos into my uterus, and then we waited. For two long weeks.
During the Two Week Wait, we traveled to Michigan for Shari and Luke's wedding shower. It was a fabulous day to celebrate their love, and it was also my 30th birthday. Sometime late in the afternoon, a group from my in-law's church asked to speak to Chris and me. I was actually nervous. It sounds crazy to me now, but IVF is so controversial and I was afraid they wanted to talk to us about that. But in reality, God was about to intervene and comfort us.
They presented us with a beautiful shawl. While it was wrapped around my shoulders, the group explained that Linda had begun knitting this shawl when she was sick, but passed away before she could finish it. She didn't have a recipient in mind, she only knew she would give it to someone who needed it. I know she prayed so much love into that shawl. Each stitch is a beautiful, loving prayer to our God. After her death, another member from church finished knitting the shawl. Then the "Prayer Shawl Ministry" kept it until they could find the right person to have it.
And that person was me. As they wrapped the shawl around me, I burst into tears. I could feel so much love from Linda, and I had the first glimmer that Chris and I would be okay. The group prayed with us and I let my heart feel hope. I wore the shawl for days.
Four days later, I found out I was pregnant with Evie.
She was the most faithful woman I know. Linda relied and trusted in Jesus - she was a great Christian example to follow. She loved her family with a passion. But this post is not about the wonderful person she was, because I can't do that justice in words. This post is about a gift she gave me after her death.
When Linda's cancer returned for what would be the final time, someone she knew knitted her a prayer shawl. With each stitch, this friend prayed for Linda. Of course, I don't know what the prayer was, but I imagine it was for comfort and healing. I remember how much she loved that beautiful cranberry-colored shawl, and she always had it nearby when we visited. She said she felt such warmth and caring when she wore it. She even joined a Prayer Shawl Ministry at church, so she could provide this same comfort for others.
During this time, Chris and I were in the middle of our struggle with infertility. When Linda died, I felt such great pain. Of course, I mourned the loss of this beautiful person who I loved deeply. But I also mourned that she would never know our children. I know how much she wanted to meet them. She once told me "I'm on my knees, praying for you." And she certainly was, probably more than I realize.
Months after her death, Chris and I had been through many failed IUI attempts. Our doctor recommended we move on to other technologies, and together we decided on IVF. I have to tell you, at this point I was hopeless. I knew, without a doubt, that I would not get pregnant. I was tired and I was scared, but we plodded on.
IVF is a complicated procedure. Chris gave me injections so my body would produce a lot of eggs. Our doctors removed the eggs while I was under anesthesia, and fertilized them with Chris' sperm. After a few days, they put the embryos into my uterus, and then we waited. For two long weeks.
During the Two Week Wait, we traveled to Michigan for Shari and Luke's wedding shower. It was a fabulous day to celebrate their love, and it was also my 30th birthday. Sometime late in the afternoon, a group from my in-law's church asked to speak to Chris and me. I was actually nervous. It sounds crazy to me now, but IVF is so controversial and I was afraid they wanted to talk to us about that. But in reality, God was about to intervene and comfort us.
They presented us with a beautiful shawl. While it was wrapped around my shoulders, the group explained that Linda had begun knitting this shawl when she was sick, but passed away before she could finish it. She didn't have a recipient in mind, she only knew she would give it to someone who needed it. I know she prayed so much love into that shawl. Each stitch is a beautiful, loving prayer to our God. After her death, another member from church finished knitting the shawl. Then the "Prayer Shawl Ministry" kept it until they could find the right person to have it.
And that person was me. As they wrapped the shawl around me, I burst into tears. I could feel so much love from Linda, and I had the first glimmer that Chris and I would be okay. The group prayed with us and I let my heart feel hope. I wore the shawl for days.
Four days later, I found out I was pregnant with Evie.
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