Monday, October 27, 2008

Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying

Oh, I love my beautiful miracle Evie. She is everything I hoped for when I prayed to become a mom. I'm greedy, though. I want another baby. But today, my stupid "monthly visitor" showed up.

I just want to cry. And I probably will, later. I'll snuggle under the covers with Chris and tell him how sad I am and the tears will come.

I was hoping I would just "get" pregnant. Chris and I have undergone all the tests, and there's nothing wrong. Nothing except I simply don't conceive. I would complain about how frustrating "undiagnosed infertility" is, but I know there are others out there with diagnosed fertility issues that are more frustrating than my struggle.

With each month that passes, we are getting closer and closer to IVF. I HATE IVF! The tests and needles and pressure. So much money with an unsure outcome. A 50/50 chance of a baby.

I was blessed and lucky last time. Evie was born from our first and only IVF cycle. What if it doesn't work this time, though? This is it - our last shot. So very much is riding on this.

I want to feel the flutter of another baby moving in my womb. I want to rock another baby in the wee hours of the night. I want to see my Baby Evie as a big sister, and hear my children giggling together.

I'm reminding myself to name before God ALL the things I am grateful for - not just the good, but also the difficult. His hand is guiding it all. I know He has not made a mistake in giving me this situation.

But, oh, on cold nights like this, it is a terrible burden to bear.

17 comments:

Momma said...

You are NOT alone. The Lord knows your heart and all of your desires. Sometimes that is not a comfort because we want what we want and there is no instant gratification with God. You will be constantly in my prayers. I hope and pray that IVF will work for you this time. And if it doesn't the Lord will be there to hold you in his arms.

And like you said...you never know. It may happen when you least expect it if there is nothing wrong. I will being thinking about you and praying for you!

Scarlet O'Kara said...

My heart is sad after reading this post. What a wonderful mom you are to that blessed angel of a baby girl. She will make a wonderful big sister and you will be a beautiful mom to another child. My prayers are with you...

Stam House said...

Oh darling! I feel you pain! I had to wait a long time to meet my husband and I was craving a baby so bad!!!

I don't know how infertility feels but sure know the longing for a life growing inside of you feels like!

Will be praying for you!

Rachel said...

Oh Sarah. I'm reserving an extra big hug for you.

I love you!

Fiona said...

We'll be thinking of you here, too. And hoping for a new blessing for you and your family.

One day, when Evie needs you to be a strong, compassionate force in her life, you will be. And she won't know where that patience and love and forgiveness comes from, but *you will*.

I hope that when that day comes, your special time together is totally ruined by her whiny younger sibling, who rushes in and dumps a live frog on her head. And when you laugh until you cry, she'll say, "Mom, you're nuts." But you'll remember wishing so hard for another child, and here you are...

Is it bad to try and make you laugh? Maybe. I'm a little worried about it. But I can't say anything as lovely as Momma did, and I want you to know that I am wishing you get a chance to hold that new life in your arms.

hotomom said...

Aw Sarah it was very nice to meet you too. Your post hurt my heart. I remember those days. We tried for 5 years to have our daughter and then when L was 8 months old we suddenly became pregnant with J. It happens at the most unplanned, unexpected moments. Relish Evie she is the most adorable little girl I've met since mine was that age ;)

SarahHub said...

Fiona, of course it is okay to make me laugh! And, for the record, it helped.

I **hope, hope, hope** the scenario you painted comes true. Except, can we leave out the frog? Eww.

Askew To You said...

I'm sorry. This does sound very sad and frustrating. I hope that something happens for you soon. I will keep your family in my thoughts.

Jen said...

I'll be praying for you -- I just know things will work out. Your entries lead me to belive that you a FANTASTIC mother and I'm sure God has a plan for you to be able to do it again. Good luck!

Prasti said...

i know it can be frustrating, but continue to trust in the Lord (sometimes easier said than done). He has a plan for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm here for you if you need to talk. Please let me know if I can do anything for you. *Lisa S.

Alaina said...

Oh my...please know even though we just met, I am praying for you. I have a friend experiencing the same thing right now.

Jenn Britton said...

Sarah -

I am wishing and hoping and thinking and praying for you! Lots of Love!

Janelle said...

I hear in your words how hard this is for you. I just talked to my cousin today who is experiencing the same pain, hope, etc. As I hugged her I wished I could hug you too.

I pray that God will give you the desires of your heart.

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

I have tears in my eyes for you...in my own way, I know how much this hurts when you are hoping and praying for it to happen and each month you are disappointed. I am struggling myself to not grow disappointed and to understand that God has a plan in this, but honestly? I just want a baby. And I know you do to. So I'm praying for you, my friend.

Shari Baby said...

i want you to have another baby too! =)
but seriously, please know i'm praying for you, chris & evie, sar.

casual friday everyday said...

My heart goes out to you. I don't know that struggle personally but I remember how much I wanted Nicky to become a brother...my heart is with you.

Nell