Saturday, January 10, 2009

Sunshine

I haven't been myself lately. Post-holiday blues and pre-IVF jitters do not make for a happy Sarah. It's not that I don't find joy each day - because I certainly do - but I've just felt "off." Less peppy and kind of dull.

But Friday dawned as a beautiful day here in St. Louis. It was bright and sunny, and best of all it was going to be over 50 degrees. Perfect park weather.

Rachel and I packed up Evie, a tricycle, a wagon, two blankets, and a picnic lunch. We met up with my mom and the kids and headed to the park. We had so much fun! Evie loves the swings, so we spent a lot of time there at first. She is such a brave girl! I pushed her as high as my heart could take, and still she begged "More push! More swinging!" I finally coaxed her from the swings by promising to go on a walk. We all strolled around the park's historic 1800's village, peeking in windows and laying claim to different homes. After our walk we sat down to a picnic, and then made our way back to the playground for "Slide! More sliding!"

I don't know if it was the sunshine or the company, but I felt lighter. The sun warmed my face. Seeing the kids play warmed my heart. Talking with my sister and my mom warmed my soul. My "I'm blessed" feeling came back - the feeling that I am so blessed to live this life. What's not to love, right? Sitting in the sun eating pita sandwiches and blackberries and chips. With my best girls. On a Friday afternoon in January. Blessed for sure.

And the feeling has lasted. I still have this big challenge in front of me. After all the work, will I be pregnant? Will I be okay if I'm not? I have realized (again) that I have enough, no matter what happens. Sure, I want more children. But Evie really, truly is enough. She is a miracle and her sweet face and happy spirit are plenty for me. My strong, kind, loving husband is enough. My mom and dad and sisters and brother are enough. My friends (in the bloggy world and beyond) are enough. My God, always here with me when times are hard, is enough.

Friday, I felt the sun in my soul. Mr. Weatherman, it was just what the doctor ordered.

13 comments:

Heather said...

I can't help but sing, "Sunshine on my shoulder, makes me happy..."

That park is amazing. I am glad that you all had such a great time.

Pardon me for asking, but who are "the kids?"

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

You painted such a beautiful picture with your words.

And I'm right there with you, girl...the situation is not quite the same, or course, but the desire for another baby and the knowledge that my sweet girl is enough. Sometimes it is hard to keep it all in perspective, though, isn't it?

Nell @ Casual Friday Everyday said...

I've found that sometimes warm weather and sunshine is all it takes.

I'm thinking about you right now and praying everything works out the way you and your husband wish.

HUGS!

Nell

Scribbit said...

Oh I hope things go well for you--and that this is a great year for you.

Maybe it'll be sunny tommorrow in your honor :)

Momma said...

I am so glad that you had a great day! I completely understand the blah feeling. I don't know if it is because of the time of year or what, but feeling off is no fun.

If we could drink a glass of wine together I would toast to more sunshine days for the both of us!

Greg B said...

I can't wait to read what you have to say later this week when it's -5 outside.

That was a beautiful day, though.

Greg B said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Judy said...

Sarah it is so normal to feel blah, scared and disillusioned during the entire IVF process. I remember making calls for adoption advice while I was taking the treatments because I was sure it wouldn't work. How's that for positive thinking? I keep thinking of a quote a read recently and anytime I am struggling something remember it - when one door closes, another one opens. Everything will work out for you one way or another.

Shanilie said...

I have heard that ivf can be an emotional roller coaster. I am glad you found the peace and warmth deep down into your soul.

SuZ said...

I found you through MomDot.com!!

Stephanie said...

Stopping by from Momdot! I hope the IVF works & you get another little miracle to lighten your life!

Shari Baby said...

hey what about your in-laws?! =)
I hope evie had the best birthday party. do you know if you guys got my message on chris' phone on monday? thanks!

SarahHub said...

Shari,

You guys are included in the "brother and sisters" part! ;) I really am lucky to have married into such a great family, too!

I love you!