Sunday, January 25, 2009

You'll Just Feel a Little Stick

I started my Lupron shots a few days ago. I wake up early, before Chris heads off to work, and he gives me the injection. He really should be a doctor, because I hardly feel a thing. Just a little sting followed by a little itching. Then I get a kiss from my dear husband, pop a steroid (really!) and a prenatal vitamin, and back to bed I go.

The best thing is that I get to snuggle up to Evie. During our first cycle, Chris gave me the shot and I headed off to work. But now, I slide into bed next to my darling girl. Her sweet face soothes my anxiety. One morning, she must have felt me come back to bed and she slid ever-so-close. Still sleeping, she tucked her head under my chin and curled into me. I fell into such a deep slumber after that.

Even though this cycle is much easier than the previous cycle, it's still so very hard. Mostly, I don't think I'll end up pregnant. I felt this way last time, and I was miraculously surprised when I ended up with Evie. Surprised, and grateful to God.

But I just don't know how we can be blessed again this second time. So I wake up a lot in the middle of the night, and I can't fall back asleep. I pray to God, plead, that He answers my heart's desire. Sometimes I know He is listening, and I beg for Him to bend to my wishes. For Him to give me another baby. I have to admit, there are nights when I'm not even sure He can hear me, though.

I'm crying as I write this. This is the hard part. Not the needles or the medicine chart or the endless blood draws and ultrasounds. It's the not knowing. It's the wanting something so badly, and not knowing if it will be yours. Most people don't have this struggle - they just have babies.

Someone once told me IVF was wrong in God's eyes because children deserve to be conceived in an act of love. I was startled. This process is as much an act of love as any intimate act with my husband. Although neither of us was even in the room when Evie was conceived, she was loved and wanted and prayed for.

And so that's what I'm doing again. Wanting and loving and praying for another miracle baby. I know God will give me what I need. I know there is a plan. Now it's simply a waiting game. I just hope it's a game I win.

12 comments:

Shanilie said...

Oh my goodness I can't imagine anyone telling you that ivf is wrong. There are so many God given abilities given to men/women and doctors to give us these new opportunities that weren't available long ago. Thinking and praying for you. I can't imagine the emotional roller coaster. I am glad you have your lil girl smiling back at you showing you the gift that you have and what could be possible again.

that is soo sweet your man giving you the shots. I always tell ryan his kisses are healing lol. Just makes the pain subside if even for a moment.

Heather said...

If IVF is wrong, then so is antibiotics for infections, chemo for cancer, or even chap stick. When a baby is conceived, no matter the means, the act of love is ALREADY there.

Stay strong. I heart you.

((hug))

Prasti said...

i know the waiting and uncertainty is the most difficult. though our situation was a bit different than yours, this pregnancy was one that we had waited on for a while. i had 2 miscarriages last year, and it was difficult to wait and see when (or if) God would bring us another child (and it was especially hard being surrounded by friends who were all having babies!). we even considered adoption at one point, wondering if that was the path he was preparing for us.

may God give you strength, sarah! (and he is always listening to your prayers).

newlyweds said...

I can only imagine how your feeling, but I want to commend you for doing this and being so open about it on your blog. Your a strong beautiful women and I believe with all my heart you will receive another baby or babies (I am still hoping for twins) from god. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Alaina said...

Know that I'm thinking and praying for you!

Nell @ Casual Friday Everyday said...

My heart aches for you. I wish I could be there to give you a hug.

:--) Nell
CasualFridayEveryday.com
Twitter.com/casualeveryday

Shari Baby said...

oh sarah, this makes me sad, but so happy you have lil evie. i pray to God to for you guys too.

Mommyof5! said...

I want you to know I am keeping your family in my prayers! I hope everything works out perfectly for you and you get to experience God's grace again in another little baby face!! Hang in there!!

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

Oh, my friend, my heart hurts for you, because I understand just how much you want this. And I agree...the NOT KNOWING is the hardest part...if we knew one way or the other, then we could sort of put it to rest and maybe move in a different direction...but the not knowing kills me too. Praying for you...

Fiona said...

I waited to say anything because I'm so bowled over by your honesty. People talk about brutal honesty: but this is it.

Over here, we'll all be hoping for you to welcome a new baby into your family. Pay no attention to the haters. It must be sad to live a life where you disapprove of the desire to love and nurture another person.

SarahHub said...

Oh, Fiona! This whole thing is just so hard! But writing about it is a great outlet for my emotions. Plus, the kind words from you all helps, too!

chandlerful said...

Gosh, I am not really sure what's wrong with people sometimes! Thinking something really horrible is one thing, but why do people feel they have to tell you what horrible thing they think, knowing what you are going through? What purpose does that serve?
Sorry you had to deal with that.
Good luck and God Bless.
Annette