You'll Just Feel a Little Stick

I started my Lupron shots a few days ago. I wake up early, before Chris heads off to work, and he gives me the injection. He really should be a doctor, because I hardly feel a thing. Just a little sting followed by a little itching. Then I get a kiss from my dear husband, pop a steroid (really!) and a prenatal vitamin, and back to bed I go.

The best thing is that I get to snuggle up to Evie. During our first cycle, Chris gave me the shot and I headed off to work. But now, I slide into bed next to my darling girl. Her sweet face soothes my anxiety. One morning, she must have felt me come back to bed and she slid ever-so-close. Still sleeping, she tucked her head under my chin and curled into me. I fell into such a deep slumber after that.

Even though this cycle is much easier than the previous cycle, it's still so very hard. Mostly, I don't think I'll end up pregnant. I felt this way last time, and I was miraculously surprised when I ended up with Evie. Surprised, and grateful to God.

But I just don't know how we can be blessed again this second time. So I wake up a lot in the middle of the night, and I can't fall back asleep. I pray to God, plead, that He answers my heart's desire. Sometimes I know He is listening, and I beg for Him to bend to my wishes. For Him to give me another baby. I have to admit, there are nights when I'm not even sure He can hear me, though.

I'm crying as I write this. This is the hard part. Not the needles or the medicine chart or the endless blood draws and ultrasounds. It's the not knowing. It's the wanting something so badly, and not knowing if it will be yours. Most people don't have this struggle - they just have babies.

Someone once told me IVF was wrong in God's eyes because children deserve to be conceived in an act of love. I was startled. This process is as much an act of love as any intimate act with my husband. Although neither of us was even in the room when Evie was conceived, she was loved and wanted and prayed for.

And so that's what I'm doing again. Wanting and loving and praying for another miracle baby. I know God will give me what I need. I know there is a plan. Now it's simply a waiting game. I just hope it's a game I win.