Thursday, March 19, 2009

Heart

Evie has had a million "blogworthy" moments lately. She keeps pointing out things that "make her crazy." My car radio makes her crazy, but not the radio in Daddy's car. Green Tootsie Rolls make her crazy. Too many papers on the table and not being able to use my cell phone her "own self" makes her crazy.

She's also so over the color blue. It was her favorite a few weeks ago, but now she insists on pink. Last night she begged for pink ice cream from Maggie Moos, NOT BLUE ICE CREAM. I said to Chris "Oh, blue is so last month," and Evie said "Blue is out!"

You see, I have much to blog about. But instead I've been spending far to much time watching television. And worrying.

I'm in that part of pregnancy when you're bone-tired. All the time. And I have a lot of nausea. So I'm not feeling well most of the day. Plus, I've been anxious about our new baby-to-be. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy we have this blessing. But I love our life now. Am I about to mess it up? With more than one child, will I become one of those crazed mothers who can't get out the door? Will I ever be able to have a quiet cup of coffee again? Read a book? Take a shower?

Mostly, I am apprehensive about my heart. Evelyn is my everything, and I could not love her more. She owns my entire heart. So I worry I won't possibly be able to love this baby as much. Can I? It keeps me awake at night, the pressure already that this second baby will know it's not loved as much as it's big sister.

But I had an ultrasound Tuesday morning. On that screen, I saw my baby's heart beating for the first time. Beat-beat-beat-beat-beat. And a tear slipped out the corner of my eye. My heart swelled with love, and I realized my heart has been growing along with the baby's. It's big enough to love two children.

16 comments:

Scarlet O'Kara said...

Yes it is so very true...your heart grows bigger with each child that grows inside of it.

And you all are welcome to come visit the O'Karas in Sunny, FL. We love company...especially sweet little girls and their wonderful parents!

The weather is lovely. Be sure to visit soon!

Fiona said...

I'm so happy you're sick!! SO HAPPY!

[sounds kinda mean, doesn't it?]

But I worried when you didn't post so often. And so hearing that you're sick, and that you had your first ultrasound, reassures me. Now, when I wonder what's happening over at the Farm, I'll think "Sarah's prolly puking her guts out! Yay!!"

Just think how big your heart will get when you see how much Evie loves her new sibling...

newlyweds said...

Evie is such a cutie, I just love your posts about the cutie pie things she says and does.

And yes your heart will equally love baby # 2. I worried about this alot when I found out I was pregnant with twins, how could i love them equally, etc. But I do, and each day it amazes me with the amount of love I feel for them.

karen said...

Sarah,Sarah,Sarah...Your heart is ALWAYS big enough to love another ,especially another child. Mothers love the first but find the differences in each child makes you love them ALL.You have one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know. You will love Jellybean sooo much it'll make you cry. Iknow. Love,your Momma

Tari said...

Your heart is so definitely big enough!

I felt the same way very early in my 2nd pregnancy, but oh, was I wrong!

JOYFUL447 said...

Being a "crazed" mom of three who can't seem to ever get out the door on time, never has a quiet cup of coffee (but definitely make sure I get a cup - quiet or not), and is lucky if I can skim through a magazine let alone read a book, I admit there's no time for me, but it's also very FAR from being messed up! You'll be fine! You know it will! Of course you will be able to love them both the same - you will love each of them "the best." God makes it work that way! You know that!

hubbameister said...

I have 4 children and each was truely a Gift from God - each one is special even now at 37, 36, 32 and 25. In fact,my love for them even has even grown over the years.
forget time for yourself - pour out your life for your kids and in about 25 years you can have your life back. You were designed to give and sacrifice - the Lord will stretch your heart to accept each gift - unwrap each one - love them to death - enjoy what God has given you - you only get 1 shot at it - do it right! Gramps

jennifer said...

I totally get this.

I went through the same emotions that you're having just a few months ago.

It seems impossible that you could love another child like you love your sweet little girl.

You'll be crazed, you'll be tired, but you'll be blissfully crazed and tired!

MoziEsmé said...

I'd venture to say your heart is plenty big enough! Congrats on the new little one...

And Evie is getting so big! Sounds like you'll have a real time on your hands when the teen years hit!

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

I've always wondered how that worked...how the heart can grow and stretch and love two equally. You expressed this so beautifully!

Casual Friday Everyday said...

ohhhh - hugs... the viewing of baby's heartbeat is always so amazing.

Shari Baby said...

well put joy & dad! i'll remember this when we have children one day! =) not that soon though, so dont' get your hopes up!

Shanilie said...

I have also been struggling with a lot of those same feelings. I love Jacob sooo much, and it grows every day. Our lil routine is going well now, who knows what it will be like with another. Im glad im not alone

Momma said...

I feel the same way. Even though I have heard the heartbeat and have felt the little kicks I still am apprehensive about what it will be like when the baby actually gets here. sounds so weird to say it out loud. lol. at least we are in it together!!!!! :)

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

I so remember the tears I shed over this same thing when I was preggo with Bo. But I promise you will love every child you have just as much as the first. Each one will have a different place in your heart. Hugs!!

tinlai said...

I LOVE your blog and I love the little vignettes about Evie. She seems so precious! I remember when I was young, I wanted to be Princess Jasmine, but when Mulan came out, I was torn... do I ditch my long-time favorite princess in favor of this kick-butt heroine who is Chinese just like me? Decisions, decisions.

Thanks for the lovely posts and I hope the nausea isn't TOO bad...