Let Me Count the Ways

My dear husband,

With a new baby and a very active preschooler in our home, romance is sometimes put on the back burner. I focus my attention on Ethan and Evie and their needs. And then on things like dinner and washing bottles and going to the gym. And then on sleeping. And then, finally, you get the time that's left over. Which is very, very minimal.

So today I want to remind you about all the reasons I am in love with you. I want to remind you about why I chose you "until death do us part." Because there is not a better partner for me on the entire Earth.

I love that you are a Christian. When all is said and done, that's really one of the most important things I can count. Saturday night at church, I was so happy watching you talk to Evie about how we will incorporate daily faith-building into our lives. And I know we will. You make sure we say prayers at dinnertime and you talk about Jesus. Out of all the reasons I love you, Honey, this one is for Eternity.

I love the father you have become. Remember how scared we were when Evie was first born? From the Daddy-Daughter Dance to what seems like millions of diapers, from breastfeeding to dining out in restaurants, from The Backyardigans to Word World to Yo Gabba Gabba, from turtles to Princesses, you were there in the trenches with me. I love that you scold me for buying too much for Evie, and yet you always come home with a treat for her. And now we have our beautiful Ethan, whose smile is just starting to light our lives. I look at you holding him, your mirror image, and my heart melts.

I love that you help with household chores. I haven't done a single load of laundry in almost ten years. I've never mowed the lawn or raked leaves and grass clippings. I don't know how to use the weed whipper. Since Ethan has been born, I've only been to the grocery store once, and that's because I wanted out of the house! I don't take the trash to the curb or haul the empty cans back up. I rarely even have to put gasoline in my car.

I love your scientific, rational mind (most of the time!) You think things through clearly. You do your research. And then you research some more. You're a good match for my emotional decision-making tendencies. Between the two of us, we make a normal person. But I love that you can also let go and be silly. Whether it's making funny faces, threatening to dress up as DJ Lance, or imitating me, you can always make me laugh.

I love that you are a good provider. I don't know many husbands who are willing to make the sacrifices you've made so I can be home with our children. It means the world to me.

I love that you've always been there for me during hard times. When I hated my job, when I fought with my roommate, when we tried and tried and tried to have a baby - both times. Somehow, when things are difficult for me, you know how to cheer me on. I know I will survive because you're by my side.

I love you for all the million little things you do to show me you care. You warm up the Bed Buddy and put it by my feet each night. You hold branches back when we take walks. You give me your arm when it's icy out. You spent tens of hours on complicated painting techniques for both nurseries - not for our kids, but for me. You kept my cat for seven years, even though he gave you asthma. And you changed his litter box. You chop veggies for me when I cook. And I will never, ever forget when you jumped in front of that firework so I didn't get hit.

I love your kisses. The sweet little kisses and the big passionate kisses. I love that you sometimes wrap your arms around me in your sleep. I love being cuddled next to you. I love holding your hand in the car.

I love that you let me be exactly who I am. I am more myself when I am with you than when I am alone. You center me, you ground me.

I can't imagine going through this life without you.

Love,
Sarah

When I was Blond - For Nell

Remember the Time

Evie and Chris were just playing - roughhousing around. Chris threw her in the air, swung her around, tickled her, played Hide and Seek. They laughed hysterically as her hair flew all around her face. She kept yelling "More! Again!" I took a picture in my heart, to try to remember this intense happiness.

And then they collapsed in a heap on the floor. Evie looked over at Chris and said "I just don't know what to do with you, Father."

Just a regular day, but full of regular joy and fun. I don't want to forget a minute...

Wordless Wednesday - Peace

You'll Just Feel a Little Stick

I started my Lupron shots a few days ago. I wake up early, before Chris heads off to work, and he gives me the injection. He really should be a doctor, because I hardly feel a thing. Just a little sting followed by a little itching. Then I get a kiss from my dear husband, pop a steroid (really!) and a prenatal vitamin, and back to bed I go.

The best thing is that I get to snuggle up to Evie. During our first cycle, Chris gave me the shot and I headed off to work. But now, I slide into bed next to my darling girl. Her sweet face soothes my anxiety. One morning, she must have felt me come back to bed and she slid ever-so-close. Still sleeping, she tucked her head under my chin and curled into me. I fell into such a deep slumber after that.

Even though this cycle is much easier than the previous cycle, it's still so very hard. Mostly, I don't think I'll end up pregnant. I felt this way last time, and I was miraculously surprised when I ended up with Evie. Surprised, and grateful to God.

But I just don't know how we can be blessed again this second time. So I wake up a lot in the middle of the night, and I can't fall back asleep. I pray to God, plead, that He answers my heart's desire. Sometimes I know He is listening, and I beg for Him to bend to my wishes. For Him to give me another baby. I have to admit, there are nights when I'm not even sure He can hear me, though.

I'm crying as I write this. This is the hard part. Not the needles or the medicine chart or the endless blood draws and ultrasounds. It's the not knowing. It's the wanting something so badly, and not knowing if it will be yours. Most people don't have this struggle - they just have babies.

Someone once told me IVF was wrong in God's eyes because children deserve to be conceived in an act of love. I was startled. This process is as much an act of love as any intimate act with my husband. Although neither of us was even in the room when Evie was conceived, she was loved and wanted and prayed for.

And so that's what I'm doing again. Wanting and loving and praying for another miracle baby. I know God will give me what I need. I know there is a plan. Now it's simply a waiting game. I just hope it's a game I win.

For Better or for Worse

When Chris and I married, we promised "To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse..." The "better" part is easy. But my beautiful husband excels during the "worse" times.

Like today.

I have such mixed feelings about IVF. I love it because it gave us Evie. I hate it because it's stressful and painful and humiliating. The main reason I've been putting off another cycle is the anxiety about having a hysteroscopy. When I had this test before, I was completely unprepared for how painful, and frankly how just plain gross, the procedure is. It was certainly the worst part of my entire IVF experience.

But so worth it for another baby. We met with Dr. Witten again a few days before Christmas. It was actually a nice visit. Dr. Witten is so very compassionate and understanding, and it was fun to see him interact with Evie. Plus, he said that my pregnancy had been without complication, so we probably wouldn't even have to do the hysteroscopy. Yippe!

Imagine what a letdown it was when a nurse called while we were in Atlanta and scheduled the damn test. I cried, of course, and Chris hugged me tight. Dr. Witten ordered anesthesia, so I would be asleep this time, but I was still sick about the whole thing. My first instinct is to sleep during stressful times, so I've been tired and emotional for the past week. But Chris didn't tire of me talking about how nervous I was. He listened patiently and gently encouraged me things would be okay. He joked with me. He reminded me of the payoff - hope for another perfect miracle baby.

The test was today, and I was on the verge of tears the entire morning. I knew at any moment I was going to lose it - I blinked back tears and tried to keep my voice from catching. And I was mean to Chris. Everthing he said was irritating. He never snapped back at me, not a single time.

We dropped Evie off with GaGa (who I was also mean to - sorry Mom,) and fought our way through terrible traffic to the doctor's office. Once I was there, I calmed down considerably. A nurse took me to change into a lovely and oh-so-modest gown and to start my IV. And then they sent Chris in to be with me. He was the sweetest sight.

Dr. Witten broke the rules and invited Chris in for the procedure. Although I fell asleep immediately, it helped to have my husband there. I love him so much for staying in the room, even though he was in the way and I'm sure he didn't want to see the whole thing.

And then I woke up. Chris was waiting by the bed, and laughed when I repeated the same questions because I was disoriented from the anesthesia. He's been so caring and gentle with me all day, getting me warm coffee and looking after Evie.

Chris' unconditional love is the greatest blessing in my life.

So now I'm through the very worst physical part. For those of you who want more information, here's a brief schedule:
> Jan 21st - start injections to make my body produce a lot of eggs.
>Week of Feb 9th - anesthesia again, when they remove the eggs and fertilize them. The embryos will grow in a quiet place for a few days, then they'll put them into my uterus.
>First week of March - hopefully an announcement that I'm pregnant!

Touchdown!

When I was pregnant, I remember something Chris said right after we found out we were having a girl. We were so excited about the tiny baby growing inside of me, and calling her by name was just wondrous. Chris said "Well, I am going to teach Evie to love football."

Chris has a ritual on game day - he always wears a Michigan State shirt. (He even threatened to wear one under his tux on our wedding day!) Another tradition is in the works, too. Each Saturday, Evie sits next to Daddy and cheers on his beloved Spartans.

He's already teaching her to love this game. As Chris paces the length of the living room, sometimes shouting at the television, Evie bounces up and down. It's so cute to watch, and you can just feel the excitement from the two of them.

Chris: Come on! Oh, they don't deserve to win if they keep playing like this!
Evie: Football! Go green!
Chris: Great pass!
Evie: (Bouncing) Football! Daddy! Go Sparty! Football!
Chris: That's what I'm talking about! Warm up the bus, baby!
Evie: Go, Sparty! Football!
Chris: Yes! Touchdown!

Evie raises her arms over head and screams "Touchdown!"

There's just something about a little girl and her dad. I love these moments, when I imagine my Evie all grown up. Even though she'll be busy with plans of her own, she and Chris will make time in their schedules to watch the game. They will eat chips and yell at the players together. They'll argue with the referees on television. Although Evie will probably won't end up at Michigan State, I know she'll be a die-hard Spartan fan.

Just like she's always going to be Daddy's Girl.

Proud Father

Chris loves coupons. Really, he loves a deal of any kind. The Coupon King carefully goes through the newspaper each weekend and clips tons of coupons. He's on every email list and knows all the websites to visit for the latest coupons.

We were shopping with Evie the other day. Chris was in front of us, and Evie ran up to him with a piece of paper. She handed it to him and said "Coupon, Daddy!"

Oh, Chris was proud. I told you she takes after him.

Crisis Averted

This afternoon, Evie and I were putting clothes away. When I say "Evie and I," I am exaggerating a bit. I mean to say, I was folding clothes a little faster than she was unfolding them. Laundry takes a long time when you have a one-year-old assistant.

Anyway, I left her in my bedroom for a second to hang a few dresses in her closet. Coming back down the hall, I heard my door slam closed. When I tried to open it, I panicked. It was locked, from the inside. Evie was on the inside and I was on the outside. See the problem?

I freaked out a little more than was warranted. The first thing that ran through my mind was that the door to my bathroom was open. For a split second, I worried she would drown in the toilet. She doesn't really play in the toilet, so I calmed myself. Then I worried that I would never get the door open and the fire department would have to come and get her out. And I wasn't wearing a bra.

I decided to take control of the situation. I've never picked a lock before, but how hard can it be? I grabbed a metal skewer from a kitchen drawer and rammed it into the door handle. I jiggled it around. Nothing.

So I swallowed my pride and called my husband.

Chris: Hello?
Me: I have some bad news.
Evie: (From the other side of the door) Mommy?
Chris: What?
Me: Evie has locked herself in our bedroom, and I can't get the door unlocked.
Evie: (From the other side of the door) Mommy?
Chris: She keeps closing the doors all the time. We knew this was going to happen.
Me: (On the verge of tears) I ONLY LEFT FOR A SECOND! I JUST HAD TO HANG UP TWO DRESSES IN HER CLOSET! IT'S NOT LIKE I LEFT HER PLAYING BY HERSELF FOR HOURS!
Evie: (From the other side of the door) Mommy?
Chris: I'm not blaming you. Now, listen. Get the little blue screwdriver case from the bottom drawer in the kitchen desk.
Me: Okay.
Chris: You should do it now, while we're on the phone.
Me: Okay. I have them now.
Chris: Take the smallest flat-head screwdriver and put it in the lock.
Evie: (From the other side of the door) Mommy?
Me: Okay.
Chris: Now, just twist it. The lock should turn.
Me: Oh, thank God! It's open!

I love my cool-as-a-cucumber husband. And when the door opened, Evie was playing by the bed, completely unaware of my almost-meltdown.

Thanks, Chris.

Happy Father's Day!

I have fallen in love with Chris all over again.

Someone told me this would happen. When we first decided the time was right for a baby, a girl at my gym told me seeing your husband as a father makes you fall in love again. It's so true.

Chris is an excellent father. He's not one to sit on the sidelines. He was the first one to be able to get her to fall asleep when she was a tiny infant. He used to do the "Daddy-Daughter Dance" and she would drift right off.

I love watching him interact with Evie. Chris reads to her, throws her up in the air, and makes her laugh. He teaches her things I don't approve of, like burping is funny. When it's time to blow bubbles or draw with chalk, he's right there with her, DOING those things. He used to push her around in this little car, and she would shriek with laughter. He takes her for walks in the stroller and rides in the wagon. He makes her bath and her sippy cups full of juice. He LOVES her.

The best thing is watching him with her. He is so happy. At least ten times a day, he turns to me and says "Did you see/hear that?" Chris is amazed at this tiny little person we have produced, and he looks at her with wonder each day.

I am so thankful that I've had the opportunity to watch him be a father to our daughter. Seeing him love his family is a glimpse I have into the relationship God has with us. I know our love is small compared to His, but Chris' joy at being a parent has to come close!

Happy Father's Day, Chris. We love you.