I Have Problems

The other day, my mom and Evie and I were driving to the pool. From the back seat, Evie piped up and said "I have problems!" My mom's eyes widened and she whispered "She did not just say that!" Laughing, I asked Evie "What kind of problems do you have?" And she replied "I have sleeping problems."

So. Very. True.

If you've read this blog for any amount of time, you know sleep is a constant struggle in our house. We have good times and bad times - the last several months have been bad. If Evie even makes it into her own bed, she is often in ours by eleven o'clock.

That's not the worst part, though. Falling asleep is hard for me right now. This baby boy likes to do gymnastics in my tummy right when it's time for bed. Sometimes he kicks so hard that I gasp out loud! Plus, I can't sleep on my back or my stomach. Sleeping on my right side makes my hip fall asleep.

So I finally fall asleep, and Evie kicks me in the face. Or she wiggles around and moves so much that it feels like there's a wild animal in our bed. Kick, kick, kick... I decided last week that she has to get out of our bed. I can't do it anymore. All my theories about co-sleeping went out the window. Simply put, I need sleep.

My friend Karen suggested I put a sleeping bag next to our bed for Evie. I dug out this little napping mat from in the basement, and set it up in my room. Evie was thrilled! She insisted on taking her nap there, and slept there happily for three nights.

Here's my secret, though: I have problems, too. I wake up a million times each night to look at her. It's all I can do to leave her there on the floor; I can hardly stand having her so close, yet so far. I want to pick her up and snuggle her next to me. I could do it - just lift her in my arms and put her next to me, where she belongs. But I don't. Remember, I need sleep. So instead of bringing her into our bed, I toss and turn all night, missing her.

Last night Evie slept in her own bed all night. The little sleeping bag was empty until dawn. I snuck into her room twice to check on her - she was sleeping peacefully. My beautiful princess Sleeping Beauty. Oh, we praised her this morning! And she says she's ready to do it again tonight.

I know from experience that this might not last. She'll be in her bed for awhile, then want to be with us again. For some reason, this time is harder, though. What if she really stays in her room now? What if I really get my wish, and she grows up, moves a little closer towards independence?

And here is the paradox of motherhood, yet again. I'm raising my child to be independent, self-sufficient - celebrating each tiny step towards autonomy. But somewhere in my heart, I grieve every time she slips a little further from me. It's thrilling and heartbreaking, all at once.

But maybe I just need some sleep.

Singin' in the Rain

Late Wednesday afternoon, Evie danced in the rain.

We had just returned home from my mom's last scheduled cancer treatment. The sky darkened and the wind picked up. And a cleansing rain blew in. I don't normally do this (I never have, in fact,) but I asked Evie if she wanted to play outside in the rain.

My mom and I stood in the garage, and outside Evie began to sing and dance and run. She yelled "I LOVE this rain!" She opened her mouth to catch the drops on her tongue. Her hair dripped and her face was shiny from the water.

The storm took away the thick humidity that had been hanging around. It brought a sweet, cool breeze. This rainy day didn't bring me down; it cleared out my soul as I breathed in this new air. My mom's last cancer treatment.

At the hospital, everyone told me what an amazing woman my mom is. They were impressed by her positive attitude, by her thankful outlook on the treatment. I talked to my mom about this as we drove away from the cancer center, and she said "I knew I was lucky. I knew I wasn't going to die." Her face broke into a grateful smile.

We stood outside for a long time watching Evie. And I joined in when my mom started singing:

I'm singin' in the rain
Just singin' in the rain
What a glorious feelin'
I'm happy again

Wordless Wednesday - Uncle Zac & Evie

Cream Cheese Fruit Dip

Recently, Chris told me he had to bring something for a potluck the next day. It was hot, and you all know how I feel about cooking in this weather. And, of course, I didn't know about it until the last minute. Since I am a "homemaker" now, I felt like I had to send him with something more than a bag of chips...

Cream Cheese Fruit Dip
1 package cream cheese, softened
3/4 c. brown sugar
1/4 c. white sugar
1/2 tsp. vanilla

Mix together all ingredients. It may seem lumpy at first, but keep stirring! Serve with fresh sliced apples, pineapple cubes, and strawberries.

I wish I had some of this now! Enjoy!

Lisa hosts Tempt My Tummy Tuesdays over at Blessed with Grace. Visit her for more yummy recipes!

Thirty Months

Sweet Evie,

Obviously, I've missed a few letters. And I almost let this one slip by, too. I feel like I have to write this so well that I make up for the other two. It puts a lot of pressure on me to be a great writer, when really I'm just a tired mom. But here I go...

You have grown so much! You were stretched out in our bed the other night (yep, you're back in our bed) and we just stared at you. You looked so long! You're still slender and petite, but getting tall. And you've definitely had a growth spurt recently. You were in your bikini, and I noticed a tiny belly pooching out.

But it's not just your size that's changed. You're growing up in other ways. Your speech continues to amaze me. Today you said "I don't want to wear that cover-up. Put it in your swim bag and I can wear it after I swim, if I want." Such a complicated thought and sentence for a little girl your age! You tattled on Aunt Rachel yesterday. "Aunt Rachel took me on our date, and we forgot to close the garage. So we had to go back and close it." You also correct us "Don't say you hate it, say you don't care for it." We really can't get anything by you!

You still love candy, but I think pickles are your favorite food. You also like pizza, and routinely ask Daddy to take us out for sushi. Mostly, you insist I give you something "tasty and delicious." Which is hard, because you don't really elaborate. I ask "How about pancakes? Bacon? Scrambled eggs?" You answer "No, something tasty!"

Right now, I hear you begging Daddy to play a game. You love to play games - your favorites are Hi Ho Cherry Oh, Candy Land, and Disney Bingo. You could play Bingo for hours. You even watch our cards, to make sure we're not missing anything.

Oh, and you want to get married! First, you insisted you were going to marry me. Then Daddy. Then Uncle Zac. After we explained you had to marry a boy (who was not a relative) you decided to marry Nick. You tell us that you are going to marry Nick, and Andrew will stand behind you, and then you will marry Andrew. And these boys are going to give you a ring on the Eiffel Tower, just like Daddy did with me.

Another big thing that's happened is you are now potty trained! When GaGa was in the hospital, Heather came to visit and we had a short conversation about potty training. Basically, I said you weren't really interested, but I wasn't concerned because you are so young. The next day, you announced "I'm potty training!" We bought new big-girl underwear and you've gone more than six weeks without a single accident. So I am going to be a lucky mom who manages to escape having two kids in diapers at the same time. Thank you, Sweetie!

Since we've spent so much time at the hospital with GaGa, you've decided to become a doctor. You know about radiation and chemo and whether we're in the Cancer Center or the Heart Hospital. You've accumulated scrubs and a doctor's kit, and you love to pretend to help GaGa. You take her temperature and listen to her heart and give her bandages and pretend shots. Sometimes the nurses let you help for real, and more than once, you've insisted that you can start her IV. Maybe in twenty years or so...

You are going to be such a great big sister. You want to feed your brother, and change his diapers and hold him. Sometimes you tell us he wants to come out so you can "cuddle him up!" I know you will love him, and will be a big help to me when he comes.

For now, I'm enjoying having this time together, just us. In a few months, our family will be bigger. I know I'll love it, but I really treasure this time alone with my precious girl. Our conversations and cuddles and playtime...

You continue to amaze me every single day, and I just thank God for you. I love you with all my heart.

Love, Mommy

Wordless Wednesday - The Past Few Weeks

Wordless Wednesday - Peace